Yes, the duckweedy post has been dead for approximately two years, you can almost smell the rot. A certain May keeps her blog updates coming like her pineapple jam tarts freshly baked from the oven while a certain Angeline keeps hers occasionally fresh with scenic photographs. I should be like them.

I have photographs too. Let me tell you the story of my exams. It'll be interesting!

Going Home

As can be clearly seen, these are my dark coloured lugggage bags, laptop bag, handbag and umbrella. They look kinda cool waiting for the KLIA Express to take em away to the airport. They were very heavily filled with books so I was really relieved and thankful for the kindly porter who helped me out.

My Study Floor

I like my study area a lot, it gives me the flexibility and breathing space I need.

My Study Bedroom Floor

This was my last subject, also my favourite subject, and possibly the subject with the most papers to recycle. But I haven't recycled them yet, just in case... you know.

At this point, you must be wondering what I wore for exams.

Nice and warm

I wore the same outfit for every paper. The key is to keep warm so that your hands won't shiver more than necessary because you need to write four essays in 3 hours. So wear as many layers as you need to be comfortable and then don't bother changing things up because that causes unnecessary stress and no one really needs that.

I napped. A lot. Didn't take pictures...

Anyway, post-exam period was a lovely time of I-don't-know-what-to-do-but-I-am-at-peace-with-the-world-so-let-me-be. The plan is to read as much as I can to gain knowledge before results are out (Aug 10!) and college resumes.

My love came to visit! This is his gift to me which mom has also been stealing.

Reservoir Park

Our favourite place to sit and chat and be in love.

Attempted Cabonara

First try, edible, could and should be better with a few more tries. I hope to master cabonara someday. I wonder if I'll ever get around to it because quality ingredients are expensive and mistakes can be tough to swallow (literally).

Books

The novel was an exciting read and I could hardly put it down. It has been a long time since I've read a novel. Despite it being fiction, it is still extremely interesting to see how lawyers do their thing because novels are, to an extent, based on real life happenings. Haven't started on the history book.

This holiday, I am reading
- The Meaning of Marriage by Tim Keller

- Unlocking the Bible by David Pawson

- The Bible

And I am cleaning the fences too. They're dirty with algae. ;)

I wrote this on 29th July 2015 and never published it... until today (16 June 2016)! Haha, enjoy.

21st Birthday, dinners, mentally partying
And there was the brother's homecoming
Still, Malaysian politics is way more happening
Now, to sum it all in a manner entertaining
Delve deep into this soul
Uncover stories still untold
Previously present, and for a long time, hidden
I blow dust off my blog, I have returned

It has been quite a break
Considering all the ups and downs
Not too bad, pretty great
Memories vague
They're starting to fade

Best part of holiday is having the time
To look inside and attempt a rhyme
To see what needs fixing, not pretend all is fine
For over each inch of life, Christ says "Mine!"

Maybe I've suppressed a part of myself
When I started living for the praise of others
And real life will begin when I understand
That only one Audience truly matters

Well, do tell, how has your journey been?
Wretched, hard, guilt-ridden, confusing
Grace, I tried to earn; Love I still try to win
Standing between us is always me, myself and sin

But that's just part of the journey
It doesn't exactly tell the whole story
I sometimes hate this dichotomy
Dear Lord, please help me

Psalm 59:16

But I will sing of your strength

I will sing aloud of your steadfast love

in the morning

For you have been to me

a fortress and a refuge

in the day of my distress

Enemies rise up against me and all the problems and stuff happens.
BUT! I will do what? What am I gonna do? I will *sing* aloud and sing about YOUR -strength-.
God's strength, God's might, God's power! He is very strong! And because he is so strong, he is absolutely capable and sufficient, he can gao tim things. He is strong!

I will also sing aloud about God's -steadfast love-.
Steadfast. God's love is never-changing, endures for forever, really solid and firm, means it's not gonna end and it's not gonna stop and it's not gonna change.
Love. What kind of love is this? Affection, care, concern, patience, kindness, not self-centered (refer to 1 Cor 13). This is the kind of love God has. And it is STEADFAST.

Why do we sing of His strength and steadfast love?
Because! Here's the reason! >>> You HAVE BEEN to me a Fortress and a Refuge in the day of my distress.
"Have been" means he has already been, he has proven to be, and you have seen it to be true before.

A Fortress. Stronghold, a secure defence, that protects you.
A Refuge. Hiding place, where you find safety, peace and rest, for refugees, that you hide in.
This is why we sing of His strength and steadfast love, because he has been our Fortress and Refuge.

You have been to me a fortress and a refuge in the day of my distress.
In the day of my anxiety, pain, sorrow, heartbreak, hurt, uncertainty, in the day when there is fear and when everything is crumbling and being destroyed around me.

In /that/ day, You, God, have been my fortress and my refuge.
And so I will start my day, remembering this and singing of your strength (You are super strong and capable), and your steadfast love (that is absolutely sure). Thank You God for your Word.

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases...

I suppose now is as good a time as any other to update on my post-gap year, pre-law school month-long holiday.

This break, I have been given ample time to do anything at all. It started off with shopping for a few new additions for my wardrobe. In an unforeseen turn of events, I happened to chance upon John Piper's When I Don't Desire God conference sermons (go listen to them on YouTube!) which have, to put it succinctly, changed my life. To follow up, I am reading What Jesus Demands from the World and digesting it slowly. I've also read (and therefore highly recommend) The Prodigal God by Timothy Keller on Kindle. This little book has shifted my perspective on life in a significant way. Despite the struggles of my human heart, God is still sovereign and there is yet hope.

School starts soon, so now I'm almost rushing to finish another book and sort of starting on a small book by R. C. Sproul. Books and sermons have opened my eyes and mind, convicted me on how I have been living wrongly, leading me towards what is right, and they have given me merciful spiritual slaps (thanks to Angeline for coining this term). Merciful, because God does not have to reveal anything to me but he does and still loves this sinner.

For this reason, my advice to you would be to cultivate the love of reading, yes, read good books! Feed on the Word and also on the books penned by those whom God has gifted experience and insight.

The following is an excerpt from The Prodigal God, and a reminder to myself. A fundamental insight of Martin Luther's was that “religion” is the default mode of the human heart. Religion operates on the principle of "I obey - therefore I am accepted by God." The basic operating principle of the gospel is "I am accepted by God through the work of Jesus Christ - therefore I obey." 
Even after you are converted by the gospel, your heart will go back to operating on other principles unless you deliberately, repeatedly set it to gospel-mode. We can only change permanently as we take the gospel more deeply into our understanding and into our hearts.

Let us take the gospel more deeply into our understanding and into our hearts - by reading, memorizing and meditating on the Word.

This last month has seen
Yours truly oscillating
Between mixed emotions
To her joy and chagrin

Decisions and mistakes
Sickness and starry eyes
Burdens and blessings
Good food and goodbyes

There's much I've come to love
And a good lot that I learnt
Now greater my appreciation
Of people and a Person

Great is God's faithfulness
May I never forget
This well-spent year
Is a proof of that

So, BCM (yup!)
BCM is the place to be
Forever in my <3
Signed with love, Rene.

Farewell for now, my lovely people in BCM. I love you all.

Sunday 29 June, I began feeling feverish in Genting and all the way to BCM. Then the fever came and the thought did occur to me that hey, my forehead is actually pretty hot, I wonder if my head would burn up.

About two days later, the fever left and all seemed to be fine. But I was not as sharp, my mind and movements seemed to be quite slow. Then, I started to feel tired no matter how much I'd sleep. And very thirsty too, but no amount of water would stop my dry lips from cracking at the edges.

Thursday 3 July, I went to view a room and ended up renting it yay! That's one thing down, and I'm glad.

Saturday 5 July, little red bumps started appearing under my skin, rashes! I had no fever at that time so I didn't think it would be da da da dengue! Sunday came and went and the rashes got more obvious. Oh and I had a great time teaching the ladies and hopefully they learnt something as well. About three of them said that the lesson was good and that they could understand it ;)

Monday 7 July, I was brought to the clinic. Did a blood test and guess what, I did have dengue. Platelet count was at 109. No wonder I was so absolutely tired the last few days. Then I thought, what if I die today? What if my platelet count drops to a dangerous level and I am unable to get to the hospital in time? I was afraid to fall asleep. Then I reasoned with myself, why do you fear? God holds your life in his hands. Do you believe that? Do you really believe?? O God help my unbelief!

Tuesday 8 July, I was brought to the clinic for a second blood test. Platelet count increased to 130+ so this means that my body was able to overcome the virus and was on the road to recovery.

I really, really want to thank God for preserving my life. I had dengue for a week and did so many things without knowing my life was at risk the whole time - I have been spared! It's crazy! I still have life on earth and it must not be squandered! There are no words but thank You.

The other day we watched a short clip of Christians being executed for their faith. And then, I was confronted with an issue regarding certain groups of people who are controversial.

I have been living in a bubble.

Well, I can't say that's a new realisation, I have known that for some time. But only now have I popped it (the bubble) just a little, and I am waiting for it to pop even more. I have a feeling that each time it pops a little, there will be a struggle in me. It will hurt, and I will grow.

The sooner I internalize the fact that we are not living in a happy world, the better. The earlier I understand that life will not treat me nicely, the better. The faster I lose this attitude of entitlement to all things good and perfect, the better.

Why?

Because that is the way the world is - it's broken! And Jesus never taught us to live a safe, comfortable, happy life, but he does tell us that there will be richly provided for us an entrance into the eternal kingdom if we walk with him. I have not been placed on this earth to make me happy, hiding myself from the "bad" things happening do not make them go away. Nope, I have been placed here to do something to help. The blessings that have already been received and the blessings that will be received far outweigh all the sorrows that we will experience on this earth.

So anyway, the other day I was confronted with a fear of mine. I realised that I can be afraid of people and what they would do to me, people on the streets who may be homeless, drug addicts - people of different backgrounds, beliefs and baggage. Here, I would like to remind myself that I am as broken as the next guy/gal. Whatever preconceived ideas, stereotypes and irrational fears I've had about people must be overcome. I need to learn to see them with the eyes of compassion and love.

A passage comes to mind.
I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God who loved me and gave himself up for me. (Gal 2:20)

God has done so much for me, I seriously have got to live right by him, I have got to learn to love my neighbours.