Psalm 59:16

But I will sing of your strength

I will sing aloud of your steadfast love

in the morning

For you have been to me

a fortress and a refuge

in the day of my distress

Enemies rise up against me and all the problems and stuff happens.
BUT! I will do what? What am I gonna do? I will *sing* aloud and sing about YOUR -strength-.
God's strength, God's might, God's power! He is very strong! And because he is so strong, he is absolutely capable and sufficient, he can gao tim things. He is strong!

I will also sing aloud about God's -steadfast love-.
Steadfast. God's love is never-changing, endures for forever, really solid and firm, means it's not gonna end and it's not gonna stop and it's not gonna change.
Love. What kind of love is this? Affection, care, concern, patience, kindness, not self-centered (refer to 1 Cor 13). This is the kind of love God has. And it is STEADFAST.

Why do we sing of His strength and steadfast love?
Because! Here's the reason! >>> You HAVE BEEN to me a Fortress and a Refuge in the day of my distress.
"Have been" means he has already been, he has proven to be, and you have seen it to be true before.

A Fortress. Stronghold, a secure defence, that protects you.
A Refuge. Hiding place, where you find safety, peace and rest, for refugees, that you hide in.
This is why we sing of His strength and steadfast love, because he has been our Fortress and Refuge.

You have been to me a fortress and a refuge in the day of my distress.
In the day of my anxiety, pain, sorrow, heartbreak, hurt, uncertainty, in the day when there is fear and when everything is crumbling and being destroyed around me.

In /that/ day, You, God, have been my fortress and my refuge.
And so I will start my day, remembering this and singing of your strength (You are super strong and capable), and your steadfast love (that is absolutely sure). Thank You God for your Word.

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases...

I suppose now is as good a time as any other to update on my post-gap year, pre-law school month-long holiday.

This break, I have been given ample time to do anything at all. It started off with shopping for a few new additions for my wardrobe. In an unforeseen turn of events, I happened to chance upon John Piper's When I Don't Desire God conference sermons (go listen to them on YouTube!) which have, to put it succinctly, changed my life. To follow up, I am reading What Jesus Demands from the World and digesting it slowly. I've also read (and therefore highly recommend) The Prodigal God by Timothy Keller on Kindle. This little book has shifted my perspective on life in a significant way. Despite the struggles of my human heart, God is still sovereign and there is yet hope.

School starts soon, so now I'm almost rushing to finish another book and sort of starting on a small book by R. C. Sproul. Books and sermons have opened my eyes and mind, convicted me on how I have been living wrongly, leading me towards what is right, and they have given me merciful spiritual slaps (thanks to Angeline for coining this term). Merciful, because God does not have to reveal anything to me but he does and still loves this sinner.

For this reason, my advice to you would be to cultivate the love of reading, yes, read good books! Feed on the Word and also on the books penned by those whom God has gifted experience and insight.

The following is an excerpt from The Prodigal God, and a reminder to myself. A fundamental insight of Martin Luther's was that “religion” is the default mode of the human heart. Religion operates on the principle of "I obey - therefore I am accepted by God." The basic operating principle of the gospel is "I am accepted by God through the work of Jesus Christ - therefore I obey." 
Even after you are converted by the gospel, your heart will go back to operating on other principles unless you deliberately, repeatedly set it to gospel-mode. We can only change permanently as we take the gospel more deeply into our understanding and into our hearts.

Let us take the gospel more deeply into our understanding and into our hearts - by reading, memorizing and meditating on the Word.

This last month has seen
Yours truly oscillating
Between mixed emotions
To her joy and chagrin

Decisions and mistakes
Sickness and starry eyes
Burdens and blessings
Good food and goodbyes

There's much I've come to love
And a good lot that I learnt
Now greater my appreciation
Of people and a Person

Great is God's faithfulness
May I never forget
This well-spent year
Is a proof of that

So, BCM (yup!)
BCM is the place to be
Forever in my <3
Signed with love, Rene.

Farewell for now, my lovely people in BCM. I love you all.

Sunday 29 June, I began feeling feverish in Genting and all the way to BCM. Then the fever came and the thought did occur to me that hey, my forehead is actually pretty hot, I wonder if my head would burn up.

About two days later, the fever left and all seemed to be fine. But I was not as sharp, my mind and movements seemed to be quite slow. Then, I started to feel tired no matter how much I'd sleep. And very thirsty too, but no amount of water would stop my dry lips from cracking at the edges.

Thursday 3 July, I went to view a room and ended up renting it yay! That's one thing down, and I'm glad.

Saturday 5 July, little red bumps started appearing under my skin, rashes! I had no fever at that time so I didn't think it would be da da da dengue! Sunday came and went and the rashes got more obvious. Oh and I had a great time teaching the ladies and hopefully they learnt something as well. About three of them said that the lesson was good and that they could understand it ;)

Monday 7 July, I was brought to the clinic. Did a blood test and guess what, I did have dengue. Platelet count was at 109. No wonder I was so absolutely tired the last few days. Then I thought, what if I die today? What if my platelet count drops to a dangerous level and I am unable to get to the hospital in time? I was afraid to fall asleep. Then I reasoned with myself, why do you fear? God holds your life in his hands. Do you believe that? Do you really believe?? O God help my unbelief!

Tuesday 8 July, I was brought to the clinic for a second blood test. Platelet count increased to 130+ so this means that my body was able to overcome the virus and was on the road to recovery.

I really, really want to thank God for preserving my life. I had dengue for a week and did so many things without knowing my life was at risk the whole time - I have been spared! It's crazy! I still have life on earth and it must not be squandered! There are no words but thank You.

The other day we watched a short clip of Christians being executed for their faith. And then, I was confronted with an issue regarding certain groups of people who are controversial.

I have been living in a bubble.

Well, I can't say that's a new realisation, I have known that for some time. But only now have I popped it (the bubble) just a little, and I am waiting for it to pop even more. I have a feeling that each time it pops a little, there will be a struggle in me. It will hurt, and I will grow.

The sooner I internalize the fact that we are not living in a happy world, the better. The earlier I understand that life will not treat me nicely, the better. The faster I lose this attitude of entitlement to all things good and perfect, the better.

Why?

Because that is the way the world is - it's broken! And Jesus never taught us to live a safe, comfortable, happy life, but he does tell us that there will be richly provided for us an entrance into the eternal kingdom if we walk with him. I have not been placed on this earth to make me happy, hiding myself from the "bad" things happening do not make them go away. Nope, I have been placed here to do something to help. The blessings that have already been received and the blessings that will be received far outweigh all the sorrows that we will experience on this earth.

So anyway, the other day I was confronted with a fear of mine. I realised that I can be afraid of people and what they would do to me, people on the streets who may be homeless, drug addicts - people of different backgrounds, beliefs and baggage. Here, I would like to remind myself that I am as broken as the next guy/gal. Whatever preconceived ideas, stereotypes and irrational fears I've had about people must be overcome. I need to learn to see them with the eyes of compassion and love.

A passage comes to mind.
I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God who loved me and gave himself up for me. (Gal 2:20)

God has done so much for me, I seriously have got to live right by him, I have got to learn to love my neighbours.

Just kinda have to write this down quickly before I forget!!

Found a room with a balcony, a cupboard full of shelves, one desk, shared bathroom and lady housemates.

One thing down, the rest of life to go with God.

THANK YOU God for your blessings!!!!! May I trust you more!

Matthew 6:33

I don't know where to begin...

But I suppose that's because the story of the beginning of my next three years of education is not yet complete although it seems to be taking shape and this brings a smile to my face. I am experiencing placing my trust in God, and there is no one better to trust in.

More than anything, I want to know You more, to seek first Your kingdom and Your righteousness.
This particular verse was the bedtime prayer my father uttered unto God and over us many times when we were children. It has become my prayer as well these last couple of days.

Oh remember, Rene, remember God's goodness to you.

Fingers with shiny light peach glittery nails. My one and only sister is now the wife of a good man. We love him cos he's great! :)

Things I learnt over the course of the last few days:

-Weddings can either strengthen or break up a family (or families-in-law). Do whatever you can to make it strengthen the family, even if it means raw, honest conversations and taking time off... Also, telling God honestly how you feel helps, a lot (it's not like one can hide anything anyway haha). He reminds me that I too have made mistakes, that he has shown me forgiveness and still loves me. He takes away anger that, on our own, we would not be able to overcome.

-Anything that can go wrong is likely to go wrong no matter how much you plan and preempt. Accept this fact and we'll laugh about it five years down the road. Oh, and I think from this experience, I can say that it's extremely important to have a sewing kit. Very important.

-When you marry someone, you marry into their family. So there will be a lot of compromising, prepare yourself... although I don't know if any preparation will ever really be sufficient.

-Having awesome people around makes things pretty awesome. When the lunch meal takes an hour to come and everyone is grimy (no aircon!), it's good (and witty) friends and lovely conversation that will help you make it through without noticing the time.

-Makeup needs to be removed by makeup remover. I am so thankful for Amy and her knowledge about makeup!

Extra stuff: Azlan from BLOGDILOZ was the wedding photographer. The photos have not arrived yet but the professionalism displayed on that day was absolutely impressive. Go check them out!

You know, May was an absolutely beautiful bride, both inside and outside. :)

Fingers with metallic ocean green nails. I'm still getting used to it, but like they say, the more you see it the more you'll like it.

As a result of the presence of a nail art stall in my college on the day of our Food and Funfair, coupled with my adventurous spirit towards non-moral issues such as the painting of one's nails, I had mine done for 10 coupons.

Then I thought to myself that having nail polish on your nails is like wearing clothes, it expresses a part of who you are. And the idea of having a variety of colours for different occasions to express parts of myself appeals to my fun side.

But I also think to myself that I have very little patience to learn and practice the fine art of putting on the polish properly. That amount of patience (or lack thereof), combined with a slightly more than necessary amount of obsessive observations (eg. the polish has chipped!) leads me to the temporary conclusion that I will leave nail painting to the pros.

I said "temporary", because my mind may be said to have changed if tomorrow I happen to obtain a bottle of nail polish. And a bottle of the first layer base thing that you put before you coat your nails with colour. And a bottle of the last layer that you put so that the polish lasts. And a bottle of nail polish remover, of course.

Um... haha, we'll see. :)

I am not ready to sleep yet. But as I begin to write, my eyelids begin to droop with each blink and each blink is like the tapping of my fingers on the iPad.

Tonight is a good night to reflect on the past term. Trying to be completely honest on a public page is not particularly easy. That said, I'll do me best.

How in the world am I supposed to summarize my experiences from January to April???

This term has seen me joining a unique cell group, improving my conversational skills, enjoying instant noodles while watching episodes of Say Yes to the Dress, declining drastically in my frequency of Zumba-ing, teaching English to foreign helpers, going up a mountain in a very traumatic way, eating super delicious babi hutan with my hands for the first time, getting hugged by little children, experiencing a very horrific amount of distress and stress, receiving a wedding card invitation to a wedding for the first time ever, lou sang-ing for the first (and second) time ever, meeting homeless people, meeting many other people, feeding pigeons in front of a mamak, making mistakes, realising there is room for making mistakes (for both myself and others), learning to rejoice in suffering, drinking quite a bit of white coffee, getting used to instant oats for breakfast, going to three churches on one Sunday, memorizing passages, sitting in 7/11, spending time in the ironing room, thinking and thinking about things, praying earnestly to God and then experiencing him in answered prayers, understanding myself better as an INFP and SC, wondering what the next step will be... *takes a deep breath*

*lets out a deep breath*

*taps Publish*

Psalm 19

The heavens declare the glory of God
The skies proclaim the work of his hands
Day after day they pour forth speech
Night after night they display knowledge
There is no speech or language
Where their voice is not heard
Their voice goes into all the earth
Their words to the ends of the world

In the heavens he has pitched a tent for the sun
Which is like a bridegroom coming forth from his pavilion
Like a champion rejoicing to run his course
It rises at one end of the heavens
And makes its circuit to the other
Nothing is hidden from its heat

The law of the LORD is perfect
Reviving the soul
The statutes of the LORD are trustworthy
Making wise the simple
The precepts of the LORD are right
Giving joy to the heart
The commands of the LORD are radiant
Giving light to the eyes
The fear of the LORD is pure
Enduring forever
The ordinances of the LORD are sure
And altogether righteous
They are more precious than gold
Than much pure gold
They are sweeter than honey
Than honey from the comb
By them is your servant warned
In keeping them there is great reward

Who can discern his errors?
Forgive my hidden faults
Keep your servant also from willful sins
May they not rule over me
Then will I be blameless
Innocent of great transgression

May the words of my mouth
And the meditation of my heart
Be pleasing in your sight
O LORD, my Rock and my Redeemer

It was in my first term in Bible College of Malaysia that I read Knowing God by J. I. Packer. I guess I did not expect to be astounded by this little classic, but it sure did open my eyes to what God is like. I grew in a deeper understanding of his character and could better grasp the severity of sin and why Jesus had to die for me.

Fast forward to my second term here in BCM and an acquaintance from church sent me a PDF of the book The Pursuit of God by A. W. Tozer. I have not even finished it (this is not a book to be rushed through) and already I have been given the privilege to know God little by little. I have come to know that he is actually a real Person. These revelations are mind-blowing, to say the least.

Knowing about God (mere intellectual assent) is very different from knowing him. No one can know God unless God first draws him. Knowing him is knowing for sure that he has got my back, that he is a real person who is there to talk to me and hear me talk. I discovered that hearing his voice means reading his Word. Knowing him is having a reverent awe toward him and respecting him instead of singing a song with lyrics I don’t mean and praying prayers that aren’t like a real conversation. Knowing him is obeying what he has commanded, though circumstances really suck at times.

I hope to know him more and more and to be a better friend. I hope you will come to know him too.

Yet to all who did receive him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God. John 1:12